Who is MissBranNew?

One rainy morning on my way to my gig I was having a highly emotional conversation with my best male friend about my strong negative attitude about work. For the past year I have been going through a ray of emotions with my current employer. Presently, my perfomance is on life support and I have no clue how to revive it. I feel the odds are against me and I am trying very hard not to land my self a front row seat at the unemployment office. I shoulda known this conversation would make me feel some type of way hence the inspiration for this piece. I try to make it a point not to discuss how I feel about work because it always puts me in a funky mood which then throws off my entire day. Yea I'm one of those people that one bad thing can create a trickle effect and blow my whole entire day. Yea I'm working on it but AGAIN I know better to discuss how I feel about work on my way to work. My battle to achieve a somewhat decent level of achievement in my profession has been riding my mind like Seabiscuit. Mentally I have gotten to the point of just giving up but with many, many and I do mean MANY conversations I've had with my family and friends and my constant thought of being a good example for my daughter I am attempting to give it a good ole fight.

So as the conversation continues and the more and more I talk about, more like whine.. about what i'm doing to fix my problems and how I think everything is just so frustrating, and I listening to my friend give his point of view and provide the "realist" advice ever...I start feeling annoyed, frustrated and mad even because my friend knows how to play the "corporate america game" and he is like wise beyond his years..so the advice he is telling me is everything I need to hear and true, but in my mind I'm like "fuck that shit." My whole attitude in the conversation is like a whinning-bratty little girl, I got a answer for everything, I won't let him get his point across, without a rebuttal. I know he was thinking if she dont shut up! Plain and simple I was over the entire conversation I had mentally checked out. The positve outlook I had developed about my day started to become this dark depressing attitude that now I begin dreading going to work. At this point I had tuned him out. My focus switched from the conversation to how jacked up the traffic was and if it didn't speed up, I was going to be late for work and that was another thing I did not want to deal with. Amoungst my thoughts clear as day..he asked me "What are you good at B?" Without hesitation and full of dramatics..I yelled "I don't know!!!" I got quiet and that's when the tears started to form.

How could one question evoke such a strong emotion in me? I know I can be very sensitive and I always want people to me to give me the truth. At that moment my friend was giving me a reality check. I like to think it was me just being my dramatic attitude too but the fact I couldn't give a answer scared me. I'm 30 years old and I didnt know what I was good at...personally I knew I had a good spirit and I always want to make people smile...but could I consider that something I was good at? So that one simple question has prompted me to do some serious soul searching...I am now on a quest to figure out what my purpose on this earth is for so the next time I am asked "What am I good at" I can answer confidently.

I am committing myself to document any and everything that is helping me go through this process...its going to be a challenge because it requires me to be open to the world and I have never been a fan of letting everyone see me for what I really am..but I'm tired of living in a world of unanswered questions...so this is only the beginning of me finding the new me...